Since I wrote 10 freaking pages last time, I’ll slow it down a little and serve up a little lighter fare to nosh on for tonight. Back for it’s third time on the net, it’s everybody’s favorite forty-two lines on fourteen characters.
That’s right…
It’s Homelands Haiku time!
Protect-a-fatty
Autumn Willow was a house
Painted with auras
Vampire daddy lord
Better with other blood suckers
Sengir costs a lot
Chandler (not Friends’ Bing)
Twists heads off robots for fun
It costs three red though
Daughter of Autumn
Looks older than her mom does
Way more useless too
Poor man’s Ball Lightning
Eron never stops the beats
Regenerates too!
Grandma would be sweet
If she didn’t tap to use
Or wasn’t ugly
Kindly old Hazduhr
Why are you fighting old man?
Go home and play golf
Ihsan’s Shade was used!
Like, in tournaments, for real
Not even a shade
Irini Sengir
Good hoser for white and green?
Looks shocked to be bad
Joven has ferrets
They do all the work, I bet
He might have crabs too
Hotness in draft packs
Rashka blocks bigger black flyers
Still dies to Sengir
Reveka, dwarf wizard
Sorry you look like a dude
Transgender big Tim
Why not use flyers?
Soraya pumps all birds now
No more just falcons
Overcosted a bit?
Veldrane looks way worse in woods
Attacking for two
Homelands is so sweet, like a hurt puppy with mange. You want it to get better, but at the same time you really don’t want to interact with it at all. I don’t write haiku about its legends to glorify it. I just don’t want people to forget that, even though it was near unplayable except for some weenie creatures, some theme deck enablers, and Merchant Scroll, Homelands still has a place in Magic history.
A dark and scary place, but, still, a place.
At the first Pro Tour in 1995, all players had to use at least five cards from each available expansion, which meant everyone had to use at least five Homelands cards. These cards were so bad that players considered themselves “Homedicapped.” The most commonly used cards were Serrated Arrows because at least they could kill some creatures.
This is probably the only thing that kept the early Necropotence based decks in check. Black Summer would have been so much more black without, umm… Aysen Highway?
Yeah, until the next season named after a color, respect the pizza and the terrible, terrible cards that have come before all the cards we have now.
(My cousin has rightly suggested that “Joven’s Crabs” would be a good Un-set card. Something like this, I expect:
Joven’s Crabs
U, 2/2
Whenever Joven’s Crabs attacks, you may not cast spells this turn.
Heck, I’d play it.)
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