Life, I would say, is almost back to normal for me. Though I don’t have any furniture set up in my room except for a hammock and a dresser, at least we have Internet again, and that’s a beautiful thing—I feel whole again.
Speaking of Internet, what Internet fad comes to fruition today? I bet most of you know. You’ve probably gotten phone calls about it and everything.
Are you ready for…
Snakes… on a Plane?
That’s right. They’re here.
M*7#3rf^(&ing snakes on a m*7#3rf^9&ing plane.
Personally, I’ve had enough of them already.
I’m just kidding. That’s impossible.
Snakes have been around in Magic since the beginning. Well, actually, they haven’t. The first true snake didn’t exist until Legends’s Serpent Generator, and even then they were just tokens.
Marsh Viper and Naf’s Asp were a viper and an asp, and since neither has been reprinted since Fifth Edition, they don’t get their creature types updated. As such they have been struck from this record.
It’s unfortunate, however, that in Magic’s history, every color has gotten a snake except white. That means that without taking certain liberties, there can be no Snakes on a Plains deck. Fortunately for you, I am completely willing to take those liberties and create M*7#3rf^(&ing Snakes on a M*7#3rf^(&ing Plains. Unfortunately for me, the artifacts that I could use in this deck are all, well, sucky.
Observe…
Orochi Hatchery
XX
Orochi Hatchery comes into play with X charge counters on it.
5, T: Put a 1/1 green Snake creature token into play for each charge counter on Orochi Hatchery.
Serpent Generator
6
4, T: Put a 1/1 Poison-Snake artifact creature token into play. This token has “Whenever this creature damages a player, that player gets a poison counter.” (A player with 10 or more poison counters loses the game.)
Snake Basket
4
X, Sacrifice Snake Basket: Put X 1/1 green Snake creature tokens into play. Play this ability only any time you could play a sorcery.
That’s a lot of mana to be messing around with. That’s cool, though; nobody said this wouldn’t be a challenge. In fact, nobody said anything because I’m writing this in silence and you’re probably reading it the same way.
(By the way, has anyone seen the movie yet? I’d like to get involved in a discussion about its m*7#3rf^9&ing artistic merits.)
Anyway, since I don’t want to work too much on this, I’m going to start by saying that, since Serpent Generator makes “Poison-Snake” tokens (and costs 10 mana to make the first, lone Poison-Snake), it’s not a true Snakes on a Plains card and will not be used. You can go ahead and work with it if you want, but I recommend cheating that beast into play and running it off stolen mana. (I.E. use Tinker and Metalworker or something.)
I’m gonna start with Orochi Hatchery first, since that’s first alphabetically.
4x Urza’s Tower
4x Urza’s Mine
4x Urza’s Power Plant
10x M*7#3rf^(&ing Plains
Good start, eh? Mana is good for decks.
4x Orochi Hatchery
4x Auriok Salvagers
4x Sunbeam Spellbomb
You totally didn’t expect that, right? It’s totally synergistic: Hatchery goes to the graveyard making snakes, and Salvagers brings it right back for more serpentine goodness. Likewise, the spellbomb goes to the graveyard so you can keep yourself alive or draw some cards, and Salvagers brings it right back for more sunbeamy goodness.
I’m so technologically advanced, I might as well be Borg.
Right. Anyway.
4x Coat of Arms
Okay, okay, it’s a cop out, I know, but you can replace it with something else if you want. What else are you doing with them?
3x Steelshaper’s Gift
2x Bonesplitter
2x Viridian Longbow
2x Leonin Bola
2x Dead Iron Sledge
4x Mask of Memory
I don’t know why, it just makes me laugh to think that m*7#3rf^(&ing snakes can hold weapons with their non-existent hands. Plus, Mask of Memory works with Auriok Salvagers a little bit since you can discard the equipment and bring it back.
1x Helm of Kaldra
1x Sword of Kaldra
1x Shield of Kaldra
Sorry, I just wanted to put them in there. You can really do your equipment suite however you want.
4x Myr Coretapper
You’re going to need something out sort of early, and it’s nice that they’ll be able to carry some equipment. Plus, you can put charge counters on the Hatchery.
I’m sure it’s terrible, but it’s got Snakes and Plains, and that’s all that matters. And regardless, it does have some synergies available. And it’s probably a fairly budget deck to boot. I really don’t know; I didn’t price it out.
M*7#3rf^(&ing Snakes in a M*7#3rf^(&ing Basket, though, that’s a completely different animal. Well, not really, but I’m going to try to make it a completely different animal so it doesn’t look like I just made the same deck twice.
4x Serra’s Sanctum
18x Plains
4x Land Tax
I know, I’m already starting out in the upper echelons of price, but I don’t care. I’ve never used Serra’s Sanctum or Land Tax, so I’m going to here. If you don’t like it, build the last deck.
4x Snake Basket
I hear it’s important to put actual copies of the flagship card into the deck.
4x Common Cause
Who shares a color? M*7#3rf^(&ing green Snake tokens share a color.
4x Arrest
2x Defensive Formation
2x High Ground
2x Knighthood
4x Leyline of the Meek
You’ve got to keep your snakes around somehow because the Snake Basket just isn’t as reusable as the Hatchery. First strike is so underrated, especially when you have a whole bunch of creatures with which to block. You can choose any enchantments you want, though, really.
4x Opal Caryatid
4x Opal Gargoyle
I put these in so you’ll have enchantments to power up the Sanctum and so you’ll have some non-snake creatures in case someone drops an Extinction on you or something.
4x Argivan Find
Does anyone actually use this? I’ve always kind of wanted to figure something out with this card but it never seems good enough. Maybe this will work, though.
So, M*7#3rf^(&ing Snakes on M*7#3rf^(&ing Plains. I bet at least one of these decks is playable in at least some form of casual. Looks like each of them could have been Standard legal for a time too, with some changes. Lots in some cases.
That’s it, though. I have no idea how either of those plays, but I have my suspicions.
Next time I’ll have some m*7#3rf^(&ing suggestions on the m*7#3rf^(&ing level.
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