Magic Pimp 2007

I don’t know if anyone feels the same way I do, but I think the Pimp Thread at Star City is probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen having to do with Magic.

Where do these people come up with the money for this stuff?

For any of you who don’t know, to pimp a Magic deck means to acquire the rarest, most expensive versions of all the cards in that deck. Foils, foreign cards, sometimes autographs, whatever makes a card unique and more valuable. It’s more common in Vintage where cards stay in the format longer so people have more time to work on their pimping, but it happens in other formats as well.

Either way, it’s expensive and time consuming: Expensive especially if you don’t want it to be time consuming and time consuming especially if you don’t want it to be expensive. Seems like a lose-lose situation.

I have a steady job and could, I suppose, spend about $400 a month on cardboard and still have enough left over for food, gas, and rent. That would give me a full set of Power in a year or so, assuming I don’t win any (which, since I haven’t won any with infinite proxies, wouldn’t be any more likely to happen). In another half-year I could have playsets of Bazaars, Workshops, and a Library of Alexandria.

Unfortunately, that’s all I would be able to buy: food, gas, rent, and Magic cards. Whee!

Who needs friends and personal relationships when you can snuggle up to a Black Lotus every night and hope you don’t roll over on it in the middle of the night, crease it, and reduce its value by a third.

Admittedly, as I was writing this out, I was thinking a year and a half of nothing but buying cards wouldn’t be so bad. But even then my collection wouldn’t be especially “pimp.” I just wouldn’t have to proxy ever again.

I wouldn’t own the playsets of foil Asian Goblin Welders, foil Asian Polluted Deltas and Flooded Strands, minty German Forces of Will, Beta Moxes, and a Portugese Mana Crypt. How lame is that? I might as well not own any cards at all.

Plus, everyone owns these same pimp cards. Who cares about one playset of foil Asian Smokestacks, when everyone who wants to own the most prestigious Smokestacks owns that same version? All of the pictures look the same. Show me something really unique that I haven’t seen before and didn’t even know existed.

Luckily for me, I don’t care. I like my cards to look as nice as possible, but I don’t care about the version of them. In fact, for the most part, I’d rather have the English versions so I can see what they actually say when I’m using them. How else would I remember the targeting restrictions on Threads of Disloyalty?

When I was young and had a job but no financial responsibilities and lots of excess money lying around, I bought some expensive cards. I got a nice looking signed Chaos Orb and a Shahrazad and a Rushing River and a Ring of Ma’ruf. Why? Because I thought they were cool. They were (okay, are) totally useless, and I’ve since traded them away for things with a bit more utility.

Now, my “pimp” cards are usually just as cheap as I can get them, and I just want them to be unique. I’d rather have something hilarious and original than things that everyone has seen.

My signed cards, an Icatian Javelineer (the one that looks like Jason from the classic Jason and the Argonauts movie) signed by Edward P. Beard, Jr. (the artist) and an Ice Age Brainstorm signed by Magic legend David P. Baum, were acquired for a grand total of five cents. How many people take the time to get those signed? Plus, I smile every time someone takes the time to ask who signed my Brainstorm.

The only foils I have are a Beacon of Destruction I got in case I ever want to put Doomsday together and a Necropotence. When I was buying the cards, I got the foil Beacon because it was the exact same price as the non-foil version. The Necropotence I won by coming in first in a free Standard tournament at the Hero Zone (which is still technically the Gamers Lounge) with Ire of Kaminari.

Oh, I guess I got some foil Spiketail Hatchlings out of the five-cent bin too.

I just got some new pimp cards this week for UbaCaps. I got five or six Mountains, which doesn’t sound too exciting, until I tell you that they’re from Anthologies. That means they’re white-bordered and have the Arabian Nights expansion symbol on them. Basically, they look like they’re from fifth edition except they have a scimitar instead of a Roman-numeral five.

I was looking through the box of Mountains at the Hero Zone and I laughed out loud when I saw them. They’re not worth more than any other non-foil regular Mountain from any other set, and Dave gave them to me for nothing.

I was pumped.

White borders with a black border expansion symbol are hilarious.

My requisite Asian cards are also basic lands. I have five each of Islands, Swamps, and Plains from Portal Three Kingdoms, and they’re all Japanese. I like them especially because they’re so subtle. Just looking at them, you’d never even know they’re foreign, let alone from P3K. Plus, the art is pretty good. The Island looks like it’s supposed to be in a delta, for example. No word on whether it’s polluted or not. Al at the Dungeon gave them to me for free as well.

All told, it looks like I’ve spent about thirty cents on personalizing and “pimping” my decks. How good of me.

Anyway, it’s the end of the year. I’m not making any resolutions concerning Magic for 2007. I’m not pimping out my collection or buying Power, though I hope to make 2007 the year I finally win something. Maybe I’ll make it to a big tournament like Star City as well. They sound like fun.

Until then, have a happy and prosperous new year. I’ll see you after the clock rolls over.