Your Cheatin' Heart

Sometimes she suspects me of loving Magic more than I love her, but that’s just silly. Of course I love Magic more than I love her. It’s just that Magic doesn’t love me back.

I’m just kidding (really). She’s an incredible person—warm, smart, funny, hot, awesome in bed, etc. Magic is a stupid card game played by smelly gamers, with whom I waste my time while she’s in school and out of the state.

It’s my girlfriend’s birthday today, so I thought I’d talk about cheating.

No, I’m not now cheating on her nor have I ever cheated on Elizabeth, and I don’t suspect her of cheating on me. Except in Magic.

See, I’ve taught Elizabeth how to play Magic. I get to share my hobby with her, and she gets to understand a little more about my life. She thinks it’s cute how excited I get about the game, as long as I know my priorities and keep her ahead of it (which I do). Plus, I get to play Magic. It’s pretty much win-win, though probably more so for me than her.

I’ve even given her Magic related gifts. For example, two years ago on Valentines Day, I gave her a white-green “love” themed deck with cards like Nature’s Kiss, Kirtar’s Desire, and Beloved Chaplain. I even threw in Squee’s Toy because she loves puns. She was openly touched, and it’s actually a fairly playable deck in a casual setting.

This year for her birthday, I made her a Magic card, which brings me neatly back to my topic of cheating.

See, whenever we play Magic (or any other game for that matter) if things start going badly for Elizabeth, she’ll ask me if she can cheat. Now, it’s nice that she asks, since most cheaters wouldn’t give you that courtesy. I always say no, and usually she drops the issue. Usually it’s something fairly simple anyway, like being allowed to play a Balduvian Horde with only one red mana source, but that’s no way to play or learn a game.

Since Elizabeth wants to win so badly, I tried to give her another way to do it—a bit of a boost in the world of Nat Sanctioned Magic:

Bu’s Dimpled Smile
1
Artifact
During Bu’s upkeep, she may pay 6 and give her opponent a kiss. If she does, she wins the game.

Okay, there’s probably a few things I’ll have to explain about all that.

First, I realize I templated it wrong. I’m more used to seeing similar effects written that way, though. Mana Vault for example. It probably should have been more like, “6, give your opponent a kiss: You win the game. Use this ability only during your upkeep and only if you are Bu.” My bad.

Second, yes, “Bu,” that’s my nickname for her. What can I say? I’m in love. Want to make something of it?

Third, the most impressive part of this card is the artwork. See, it’s a picture of us—a good one too, not like one I drew myself. I cut out the picture on a Terrarion down to the blue glue layer, peeled off the Terrarion, scraped out the cardboard with an X-acto Knife, and put the photo in place with rubber cement. It doesn’t look too bad, actually. The surface, while not perfectly smooth, is much closer to that of an actual Magic card than it would have been had I just glued the photo on top.

As a technical tip, there’s a plastic film on the back of most photographs that I would recommend taking off before gluing. Then scuff up the back of the photo with something to make it adhere to the glue better.

I’ll try to get a scan up when I get a chance.

She’ll probably frame it or something, because she won’t truly appreciate the work that went into it (except the templating—see above). It’s a powerful effect, obviously, and I didn’t want her getting first turn kills on me, but I did want the card to be playable and challenging.

Making it an artifact had it be playable in any deck. If she wants to change her WG concoction to use Zombie Mushers (her favorite card from the Coldsnap prerelease we went to), that’s fine. If she wants to put it into Meandeck Gifts and Time Walk into the win, great.

It’s actually a relatively cheap cost—a mere six mana will win you the game. That’s why I made it have to be used during your upkeep. Essentially it has to stay in play for a turn. That gives me a little bit of time to do something about it, hopefully that’s enough.

I gave it a casting cost of 1 in the hopes that my girlfriend would see that it’s better to wait until turn six before dropping this card. It’s tempting to throw this out early, just to get that mana out of the way, but it’s far more vulnerable in play than it is in hand or in the deck.

That was my thinking anyway. Hopefully Elizabeth and I will try it out soon.

So, normally, as in relationships, cheating in Magic is bad. Things can get a little hot and heavy when you’re swinging into the red zone, but the game is always an equal partnership. I’m sure everyone at one time or another has hawkeyed an opponent’s cards in hand just as everyone checks out members of the opposite gender, but it’s not okay to have sexual relations with those cards or that person, even if they’re sleeved.