Premature Dissension

The day of the Dissension Prerelease I got up a half-hour earlier than I’d meant to and used the time to watch GUTS on Nickelodeon GAS before heading out to the Expo Center in Columbus. It’s a seven minute drive past the OSU campus that took maybe twelve minutes because they were having a summer football game that approximately 75,000 fans showed up for.

No big deal.

I get to the venue, turn into the wrong parking lot, turn around, turn into the right parking lot, pay my $4, and am forced to park at the absolute farthest corner of the parking lot because of the model train show going on in the other building.

That’s also cool because it was nice out and I’m sure the extra hundred yards or so of walking did me some good.

This is my first major sanctioned tournament since SandCon so I have to ask, “What do I do now?” after I pay the tournament organizer my $30. “Wait for them to announce the starting of the main event,” she says, and I wander around the site looking for people I might know. All I see are some Vintage players (no doubt looking for the same cards I am), but I don’t know them well enough to say anything.

I find a seat at a table and wait for the event to start.

It’s not long before they announce the beginning of the registration process and post the seating arrangements. The guy I sit across from is large and jolly and we keep each other entertained by pointing out good cards and generally shooting the breeze.

The deck I open has Autochthon Wurm, and I’m quite pleased to not have to play that compost heap of terribility.

We go through the lengthy process of distributing “product,” registering decks, turning them in, having them randomly distributed, and building decks, and finally get started playing.

This is the sweet, sweet pile of hotness that I registered:

Mana

1x Terrarion
1x Dimir Aqueduct
1x Rakdos Carnarium
7x Swamp
5x Island
5x Mountain

(That should actually have been 4x Island and 6x Mountain, but oh well. I still did really well.)

Creatures

1x Lyzolda, the Freakin’ House Blood Witch
1x Hellhole Rats of Wrecking People
1x Moroii
1x Rakdos Ickspitter
1x Unblockable One-Card Combo, a.k.a. Dimir Infiltrator
1x Gamewinning Sparkmage Apprentice
1x Sell-Sword Brute
1x Sandstorm Eidolon
1x Minister of Impediments
1x Boros Guildmage
1x Undercity Shade of Awesomeness
2x Enemy of the Guildpact
1x Demon’s Jester

Spells

1x Flight of Fancy
2x Riot Spikes of Infinite Uses
1x Grifter’s Blade
1x Seal of Doom
1x Best Art Ever Disembowel

Oh, right, it was around this time that we were also issued our requisite Prerelease premium card, which in this case was Avatar of Dischord. It seems fairly good as a 5/3 flyer for three that forces you, appropriately, to discard two cards when it comes into play or sacrifice it. Hence, it has already been nicknamed “Avatar of Discard.”

It is awfully shiny and I admire the way they’ve highlighted the Rakdos guild symbol in the background of the textbox before I enter—

Match 1

In my first match, I played against Kevin who seemed to be using BRw as his colors of choice. We shuffled up and I won the roll, declaring that I would draw first.

We both get some lands and my first creature, Sell-Sword Brute goes to the graveyard after trading with his 2/2, putting me at 18. Then I continue to get creatures, namely Lyzolda, the Freakin’ House Blood Witch who goes all the way and finishes him off with a sacrificed Hellhole Rats.

Lyzolda, the Blood Witch
1BR
2, Sacrifice a creature: Lyzolda deals two damage to target creature or player if the creature was red. Draw a card if the creature was black.
3/1

In game two I mulligan and keep a hand with Minister of Impediments because I think it’s a one-drop. Unfortunately it’s not and after I draw lots of land, my deck decides to give me creatures only after he drops a fourth or fifth turn War’s Toil. By that time I am too far gone to do anything about it and he takes the game without taking any damage.

The third game I get what will be from now on considered Da’ Nutz for my deck and wreck him with a Dimir Infiltrator (the unblockable one card combo) with Riot Spikes of Infinite Uses, Hellhole Rats of Wrecking People, and the hotness Lyzolda that finishes him off with a sacrificed rats. The game goes so quickly that his life in my notebook goes from 20 to 17 to 0 with no stops in between. I think that in any game where I get any two of those three things, I do not lose.

Hellhole Rats
2BR
Haste
When Hellhole Rats comes into play, target player discards a card. That player loses life equal to that card's converted mana cost.
2/2

Kevin was a good kid, and we joked a lot about how the game was going and about how bad Minister of Impediments is, especially that it’s not a one-drop. After the match he asks if I want to trade my Prerelease Avatar of Dischord, but after looking through his extensive Standard trade-binder, I decline.

Game 2-1-0, Match 1-0-0

Match 2

I get paired up against Aaron who also seemed pretty cool and said I was a lot more easygoing than his last match opponent, who kept whining about losing. He’s playing WGU with a heavy emphasis on getting out Leafdrake Roost, which he says is “an okay card.”

Leafdrake Roost
3UG
Enchantment - Aura
Enchant Land
Enchanted land gets, "UG, T: Put a 2/2 flying blue and green drake creature into play."

Game one takes most of our time and while I am able to get out enough creatures to keep him from killing me very quickly, I can mount no offence. The note I have in my book where I get him down to 18 I have marked, “yay.” On my last turn, when I am at one point, I do an alpha strike with my Sell-Sword Brute, which he declines to block. I enter scoop-phase anyway. That game needed to end.

In game two, he goes up to 22 life with a Faith’s Fetters on my Minister of Impediments. The next turn, I sacrifice that newly created pile of uselessness to Lyzolda to kill one of his blockers. My fourth turn Moroii and fifth turn Undercity Shade draw out the removal he would have used on my sixth turn Undercity Shade of Awesomeness, which gets him down to one with a hellbent Demon’s Jester. I drop Sparkmage Apprentice for the game win and, since we’re in extra turns, the match draw.

Demon's Jester
3B
Flying
Hellbent - Demon's Jester gets +2/+1 as long as you have no cards in hand.
2/2

After my second match, my opponent, who originally registered my deck, looked through my pile and pointed out that I could have been playing Glare of Subdual and Selesnya Guildmage, which appear to have some amount of synergy. Plus, with the Trygon Predator, Cytoshape, Coiling Oracle (which will be some good, I think), Assault Zeppelid, and Azorius Ploy I also pulled out of my various packs, I probably would have had an equally strong, if not stronger WGu deck.

Game 3-2-0, Match 1-0-1

Oh well. On to…

Match 3

For match three, I miss the announcement for third-round pairings because I’m in the restroom making sure my bladder doesn’t explode.

That’s not the way I want to get a win.

Because, I’m retarded, I then walk through the cafeteria to see their wares and follow that up to the dealer’s uncommons box where I pick up two Seals of Cleansing and a Rushing River for a dollar. By that time I’m starting to get nervous about maybe missing the third round, so I check the postings and see that the match started twenty minutes ago. My opponent is already gone, so I try to figure out a plan of action. I consider joining a draft queue, but I don’t want to spend the money. I talk to Dan, a guy I know from the Dungeon who I spot shuffling up for a draft game. Then I talk to the judge about getting back in for round four and to the tournament organizer about reneging on my “I accidentally dropped because I’m an idiot” status.

I also get my Avatar of Dischord signed; rk post seems like a neat guy.

Then I go watch Dan’s game for the next half-hour or so. He’s playing UWg as well and is packing the Simic Guildmage and one of those 2/2 spider, graft guys against his opponents Flight of Fancied 2/2 creature. When his opponent attacked, I was really hoping that Dan would make the sick play of moving the Flight of Fancy off the attacking creature onto a land or something and picking up a +1/+1 counter off the spider to block it. Unfortunately, he either missed that or knew it was a no-go. Enchantments can’t be moved onto illegal permanents, I don’t know.

Anyway, I had to pee and lost Match 3.

Game 3-4-0, Match 1-1-1

Match 4

In match four, my opponent Adam is playing UW and something else, but I can’t remember what it is. I know he got Azorius Firstwing both games against me, but I don’t know what else he did except get mana-screwed in game one.

Speaking of game one, I choose to draw first after winning the die roll and he asks if I have a weird mana-base or something. I say, no, because you’re pretty much supposed to draw in limited play unless you have the most aggroest deck ever. I get out an early Lyzolda and make some terrible misplays with her and other cards before his draws give out on him allowing me to get Riot Spikes onto Dimir Infiltrator and go all the way, apparently with the help of Enemy of the Guildpact since his life starts dropping by seven after two turns.

In game two, he gets out some early attackers to take me down to 14, but I get out more early attackers and a Hellhole Rats I get him down to 12 and do an alpha strike to get him down to two. He takes one more turn, draws a dead topdeck, and concedes.

Game 5-4-0, Match 2-1-1

This is probably the best I’ll ever do in a tournament, and I had to leave because I had planned with my friends to go to Thurman’s (183 Thurman Ave., Columbus, 43206) for some Thurman Burgers and free beer. C’est ma vie. Plus, it was a beautiful day outside and I really wanted to play catch.

I dropped from the tournament.

I regret it only because I’ll never find out what would have happened. Had I won my last few rounds, or even two out of three, I probably would have gone home with some extra free packs as a reward. As it was, I went home happy and pleased with myself, played catch in the courtyard with my apartment-mates and ate Thurman Burgers and drank Leinenkugel with them and my girlfriend to celebrate her getting distinction and honors with her thesis.

Thurman Burger
$7.95
Sacrifice ham, shrooms, ketchup, mayo, pickles, onion, lettuce, cheese, and about fifty other toppings: Feel awesome for the rest of the night.
3/4 lb. of beef.

It was totally worth it, though, and I’m going to every Prerelease I can make it to from now on. I played some tough games against some fun opponents, and I think when all is said and done I’ll be able to sell or trade my Prerelease card, Glare of Subdual, Life from the Loam, and Lyzolda, the Hotness to get my entry fees and parking back.

Anyway, whatever your play style, whether casual or competitive, Vintage or Standard or the Land Game, I heartily recommend going to a Prerelease at some point. It’s a great place to see new cards in a semi-formal, semi-casual environment and, when it comes right down to it they’re not all that expensive since you get to keep cards you’d probably buy anyway.

Just be sure to take a shower before you go. Even if you don’t think you need to, your opponents and the people standing in line with you to get your cards signed will appreciate it, even if they don’t mention it.

So, lessons learned:

1) Take a shower
2) Get really good stuff in your packs
3) Don’t go to the bathroom
4) Enjoy yourself

I’ll see you at Coldsnap in July.